Help Me Name My Husband

P's leg, after ONE weekend of bike-riding. Yeah, ONE.

 Since I talk about my family here, it’s somewhat handy for them to have names. My daughter Molly’s cool with the concept. (I think she likes her five minutes of fame, to be honest.) And you’ll recall my son recently picked out the blogging name “Frank.” It’s my husband who’s being recalcitrant.   

His response when I asked how he’d feel if I used his real name: “I’ll think about it.”   

Let me tell you, it’s hard to be married as long as I have and not understand what that means: “over my expired, carbon-based life form when it shuffles off this mortal coil, that’s when you can. But I won’t tell you that for three months.”   

So howsabout, as a blog project and favour to me, we’ll pick out a suitable name for my husband together?* And no, P doesn’t know we’re doing this. It falls in the Need to No category, meaning if I feel the need to ask his permission, he’ll feel the need to say “no.”^  

  

First you’ll need information about my husband. As you read, please stay open to all male names, not just the ones beginning with P. Make your choice according to personality—oh, and I hate to be picky, but Algernon’s right out:   

1. Has salt and pepper hair, distracted air, ready laugh.   

2. Religious and spiritual, yet makes his best origami cranes with church bulletins during the priest’s homily.   

3. On days when he can’t be present – like yesterday – willing to loan out pheromone-soaked sweaters to his spouse so she feels safely enfolded in his arms.   

4. Possesses the manliest of manly pheromones.   

5. Memory like an elephant, except regarding dinner’s timing.   

6. Quotes Bugs Bunny verbatim.   

7. Quotes Bugs Bunny verbatim at inappropriate times, such as when spouse is in need of a Poor Hope moment instead of a rallying laugh.   

8. Will sit through an entire romantic comedy, silent, but with a pained expression on his face. (Still, a vast improvement over Robert Pattinson’s constipation in Twilight.) In the climactic tender moment, when hero and heroine finally kiss, he will yell, “Slip her the tongue.”  (Which, come to think of it, would have added to the tenderness in Twilight while inviting homicide in When Harry Met Sally.)  

P's right leg after ONE weekend of biking. Yes, ONE.

9. Has moments the timbre of his voice sounds exactly like George Clooney.   

10. Reserves his George Clooney voice exclusively for phone calls from work, where I am not. Ever.   

11. Terrified by babies; immobilized by dirty diapers; captivated by toddlers; excellent with teens.   

12. Superb chocolate-squishing skills.   

13. Superb-er chocolate-eating skills. (Were we meant for each other, or what?)   

14. Mechanically-apt.   

15. Refuses to wear wedding ring.   

16. #15’s not a deal-breaker because he doesn’t wear his watch or engineering ring either. In fact, he hates constrictive clothing or jewellery of any kind and will pitch his tie to the back of the closet the second he’s able – or he would if he were the pitching kind, which he isn’t. Except with socks.   

(In other words, ties = hung; socks = floor, one foot from hamper.)   

17. Only likes music with a 4/4 rhythm, like Johnny Can’t Read, which causes him to drum the wheel with both palms while tapping the accelerator with his foot. As a result, our van’s on anti-seizure meds and must get its license renewed yearly.   

That’s not all I could tell you about my husband, of course. After XX years, I know at least three or four more facts. But that’s enough to get you started.  

So what say you, peeps? What should I call my husband, in the privacy of this blog, for the next many years?   

*Said in a “won’t this be fun” tone, as if I were handing you binoculars while we surveyed a nudie beach in Cannes, rather than a kindergarten teacher asking you to help on a composting field trip.
^Kidding. He knows I talk about him, would let me use his real name, but because of his hesitation, I’ve chosen to be protective.

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19 Replies to “Help Me Name My Husband”

  1. How about Bennett? Your hubby, based on your description, reminded me a little of Mr. Bennett from Pride & Prejudice…dry wit, slightly playful, listens to wife (most of the time).

  2. Hmmm….Sounds like a sweetie. Reminds me of my troll, but you might not wants to use that. How about Ogre? Cookiebum? Sweetums? Cutie-poo-poo shoes? Cuddlemonkey? Sugarwoofer, Booger-baby? Slartibartfast? Whoops! That one’s been done?
    Beats me, Hope. I haven’t called my husband by his first name for years. He’s been the beloved troll for a decade or longer.

  3. Hm. I’m going with Zeus, because he is awesome, and your husband sounds pretty awesome. Also, because he had a badass wife, and well. 🙂

  4. Scorpio, ha! You’ve definitely got the “listens to wife most of the time” part right. 😉 (Also the dry wit and playfulness.)

    Donna, really? No proper names for Mr. Donna for 10+ years? *boggles* That certainly beats Your Father, as in, “Go ask your father.”

    Amy, I’m torn, lol. I love your rationale, but I’m trying hard to picture P’s face when I tell him he’s now know as Zeus. It would be closest to this, but with a touch more exasperation:

    Keep ’em coming folks. You’re definitely thinking out of the box on this one, which I love, lol.

  5. As I read through your list, my husband Leo flashed before my eyes. But, as I read on, there were some difference and names with the letter “H” all started popping in my head… Hank, Harry, Hew, and the Hef. Don’t ask why…? It was a vision 🙂

  6. Heh, my hubby won’t wear his wedding ring either. I’ve become resigned to it. 😀

    Anyway, your hubby sounds like an Owen. Or a Briggs. Or really, any particularly British professor-type name. Gabrielle? Edmund?

  7. Oh! I loved the Owen suggestion. I was going to suggest Joe, but that seems a bit…average, which your P is clearly not. Frank’s been done… 🙂 Fred?

  8. I find it interesting so many of you are suggesting British or European names. I’ve been told before my worldview and voice sounds more continental than North American. Neat. Never thought the same would apply to P, but I can see the rationale.

    Dawn, I happen to love the name Joe but yeah, not sure that would work for P.

    Keep it coming, guys. Thanks for the suggestions!

  9. Becke, I loved Phin Tucker in WtT. Loved. (Something to do with the dock scene.) Also, it was my first Jenny book. 😉

    Kim, hahaha. So far TartMan’s my personal favorite. You made me laugh out loud. 🙂

  10. The top half of the list SCREAMED Italian to me, as did the bottom, with only the bugs bunny detour, so I think you need a nice Italian name.

    My husband has SERIOUS privacy issues, and strangely enough, I refer to him as Mr. Tart. (my friend the Wench has a Mr. Wench too, so it’s not without precedent). I’ve also been known to call him the Big Giant Thing (appropriate to father of Thing 1 and Thing 2) which prior to terming them Tartlets, is what they were.

    But back to the Italian names… I am going to go with Pierro, only because it is macho and romantic in equal measure (and it starts with P, so I prefer it over some of the Italian names I know)

  11. Hee, Lisa. I like it too. 🙂

    Hart, that is too funny. I’d thought of Tarlets as a nickname for my kids too. Guess I’m not as original as I’d imagined.

    I love the idea of an Italian name, lol. Now I have to decide if I’ll give DH veto power. I don’t know why, but I think he’d be violently against that the idea. On the other hand, a Pierro whispering things in my ear with a GC voice… *shiver* 😉

  12. Pete iz the name/ Hands Down. Masculine..Easy-going… Dependable… Loving

    HOWEVER…NO HUSBAND iz allowed to venture from the house w/o his wedding band.

    RULE #1: Allow all kinds of misconduct…BUT.. Never accept an excuse for ditching a wedding band.

    Reason: Getting jewelry caught in a piece of machinery/ solid excuse. BUT insist he keeps the ring in the pocket, just for U…if the job disallows bands worn on the job..

    When an engineer…”In the pocket means the same az..on the finger”

    The name iz…Pete!!

  13. Carol, it might be a little hard to retrain P after twenty-five years of doing it the other way. Also, I know from experience with cell phones and wallets the wedding band would just get lost. 🙁 But thank you for your input and the name contribution!

    My plan is to run these names by my husband and settle on a moniker next week. Until then, if there’s anyone else with ideas, please don’t hold back.

  14. After looking at that picture, I think I’d call him the Tart-o-Cycler.

    Or you could take a cue from the candy industry and call him your sweeTart.

    Just be careful what you pick. I started out calling my husband “The Broadcasting Legend™” on my blog, and now he calls himself that. His buddies call the house and ask for The Broadcasting Legend™. Once when my agent called and he picked up the phone, she said, “Oh, this must be the Broadcasting Legend™. So you see how these things can catch on. Heh.

  15. Elizabeth, “Tart-o-Cycler”. Hee! We haven’t settled on his pseudonym yet, so your timing couldn’t be better.

    I just read him all the choices, asked his preference. His response? “None of those, that’s for sure.”

    Me: Then what do you want to be?

    Him: I’ll think about it.

    Argh!

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