Cupid shot my love on Valentines Day
Said she struck flesh and heart and sinew.
Alas, she’d imbibed too much cinnamon schnapps
And her aim — it proved untrue.
How do I know her arrow failed
To nail my love in flight?
Next day my husband served Tammy St. John
Some afternoon delight.
At the time I indulged in an unflattering rant,
“Are you serious? Don’t know you’ve been conned?
She’s a wretch, a skank, she compulsively lies.
She’s not even a genuine blonde.”
While it took a while, I’m pleased to report
My heart’s finally on the mend.
And that video montage my PI shot?
Endowed alimony I struggle to spend. 🙂
Trusting men has been the harder part,
But I’ve got me some authentic romancing,
With a zombie met in a country-western bar
Where shuffling passes for dancing.
And yes, it’s true, he is undead
So not everything’s red hearts, pink roses
There are cultural differences we work to overcome
Some difficulties it definitely poses.
For instance, zombie morning breath
On a relationship can be quite a damper!
And much like their human counterparts
Zombie-sock hasn’t met zombie-hamper.
Yet on the whole he treats me well
And, important to my well-being,
He’s not remotely turned on by blondes
Unless, from him, they’re fleeing.
Even then, he reports, the noise made by their heels
Forms unattractive, distancing clatter
By the time he’s finally chased them to ground
It’s taken all fun from his splatter.
Now I know what you’re thinking: once bitten, twice shy
This guy can’t be all that he claims,
But one thing I know about Brad the Undead
He’s totally turned on by brains.
He kisses my forehead most every day
Calls me Einstein with palpable affection
Why would he pick them over little old me
With his forthright intelligence-predilection?
So the moral of this story if you’re cynical about love
And have cause to distrust Cupid’s arrow?
Consider a zombie. Say “yes please” to gore!
Why keep your horizons so narrow?
You’re nuts, but that’s what I love about you.
Laughing hysterically here….
Rebecca, LOL, thanks so much. I think I could use a new hobby. 😀
“turned on by brains” — awesome. I love those intellectuals.
LOL. Me too, Kelly. Thanks for reading. 🙂
Hilarious! 😀
From “cultural differences” on to the end,
my grin got wider and wider.
Ain’t it great we all have the Tart for a friend
‘Cause we get to learn just what’s inside her!
Now, I gotta tell you: Usually, I am up for anything with zombies in it. However, I have discovered that I have to draw the line at zombie romance. I found it difficult to read S. G. Browne’s Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament because of this. Last night, I found a freebie on Smashwords that freaked me out by using the words zombie AND erotica in the description. The idea of hot zombie on zombie action just make me want to scream, “EW!!!”
However, I hope you and your new friend are very happy together! I can really see what he sees in your brain — honestly, I can. It is really tough to find a guy who is attracted to you for your brains. I can’t blame you for not wanting to let an opportunity like that slide….
/tongue-in-cheek>
Tracey, thank you. You’re kind to read it.
MJ, heh. Why did I think you’d play along? 🙂
Glinda, I know. Zombies are too rife with either comedic or horror potential. I see them as a polar opposite to romantic, so…yeah. What you said. Re the new guy, good thing the ToolMaster isn’t so intellectual, huh? 😉
Oh my goodness,
Best check your granola for mold, dear….
Hee. Who needs illegal substances when we have mycotic grains? 😉
Bad Tart! BAAAAD Tart!
Ha! Was that a you’re-so-good-you’re-bad Tart, or a pee-ew, Botanist? 😉
SNERK! I need to share this with my zombie-writin’ sister…she had a story in the recent St. Martin’s anthology, “Hungry For Your Love.”
I thought of her, Lisa, LOL. Didn’t know if she’d be offended or laugh.
BAHAHAHAHA! “Turned on by brains” — god, I love it.
Well done, Jan. 🙂