If you’ve sensed disquiet in my mood of late, that’s because I’ve been occupied with Life-cycle Issues. I’m trying not be consumed by them, but biology keeps showing my nose in a steaming pile of reality. Did you know I:
- *have a near-grown daughter who starts college next week?
- *am mother to a young man whose voice cracks, and who decided on his own to become a certified scuba diver this summer. (And did. 🙂 He’s got the paperwork and diving credits to prove it!)
- *had my first hot flush in Orlando Nationals, and that one brief hormonal sound has swelled into a cacophonous symphony every night?
I—I—I—I—I— It’s a nasty affliction I’ve heard referred as the chihuahua disease. So that’s it. I’ve decided I’m quitting this pity party and preoccupation with self today. There’s just one wee detail to take care of before I can move on, and that’s to chart my future course for the next several decades. This is where you guys come in. I need feedback. What kind of old lady should I be?
Here are the choices I’m contemplating:
1. The bitter old crone who raps on the floor with her cane, and who beckons fresh-cheeked youth forward with a crooked, bony digit.
- Pros: I like the idea of a prop, and I’ve always wanted to feel and act imperious.
- Cons: I’m not sure I can pull off “bony”. In any context.
2. The classic kind grandmother type — she’ll knit and/or crochet, is prone to using the phrase “dear” and keeps a spare bedroom available for last-minute grandkid-sleepovers.
- Pros: I have a butt-load of yard to use up.
- Cons: the bun. I have a full headful of hair, and if I put it up in Classic Grandmother Style, I’ll be in constant pain. This would threaten the purity of the meme, and while that shouldn’t trouble me, it does. Archetypes should be respected.
3. The oversexed granny who shows off her toned legs by wearing shorts and hiking boots, and her wrinkled bosom in a push-up bra and tank tops.
- Pros: I’ve got the hikers already…
- Cons: Either I don’t have anything else, or I don’t want to have everything else. (Except the sex, which is non-negotiable regardless of other choices.)
4. The queen — I list this for completions’ sake alone. I could never carry off this role in a million years. I’m thinking of Dames Helen Mirrin or Dame Judy Dench — regal women who embody a sense of empowerment that I greatly admire.
5. This broad. Yup. She seems most promising, aside from the smoking. There’s the fashion incompetence, the practical footwear that comes in canoe size, the pursed lips.
What do you guys think? Which one seems most like me? Which option would you choose for yourself? Since I’m culturally illiterate, are their role models out there who haven’t even occurred to me?