Tartitude: Putting the “Super” Back in “Ficiality”


We shall begin with a very cute message my sister passed on to me, source unknown:

It’s Spring Cleaning Time…  I know you don’t clean your computer screens very often, and it’s hard to do the inside, so here is my present to you.

Cute, yes? (If you missed it, click on the “GIFSoup” link above.)

And now let me set the stage for a very different kind of flash player. Ahem. One that’s not PG-13. If you’re not up for suggestive language, do not click to go below the fold.

You walk into your bathroom to find the air heavy with moisture. Someone’s in the shower, and as wisps of fog curl around your ankles, the scent of your favorite, musky soap tantalizes your nostrils. He — sorry, my flash player, my sexual orientation — is humming to himself  in a voice that seems familiar. And now a few words slip into the melody and they’re in a British accent. You still can’t quite see who is singing, but somehow you’re certain you needn’t be afraid.

“Babe? That you?”

Before you can take offence at the diminutive choice of nicknames, three large, pink objects appear on the glass. The top two rub away moisture and retreat.

Into the space created by his hands, a pair of crystalline blue eyes come into view — eyes that manage to seem both piercing and far-seeing at once. A hint of mischief enters them. One tawny eyebrow quirks. “Why don’t you come in here and lather my…Walther PPK?”

Your fingers find the top button of your blouse. You’re trying to project Confident Modern Woman, so you quirk an eyebrow in response.

“Oh. Is that what they’re calling it these days?” You divest yourself of shirt, skirt, the four-inch stilettos that didn’t hurt in this morning’s marathon. You saunter suggestively to the shower enclosure, keeping eye contact the whole time. You reach out to curl your fingers around the handle…aaaaaaand cut.

Yes cut.

Cut, cut, cut, cut, CUT.

I can’t go here any longer, peeps. Much as I’d love to recall Daniel Craig like this:

and construct a virtual monitor cleaner for you in the above vein, I canna doo eet. I canna!

Why? Well, that’s a reasonable question, and one I will answer since, like many literary agents, I find rhetorical questions off-putting. Do not click on the page 2 icon below unless you’re prepared for the answer.

Remember Tart Rule #67: you cannot unhandlebar the moustache.

26 thoughts on “Tartitude: Putting the “Super” Back in “Ficiality”

  1. Oh, you made me LAUGH. I BUY the Bway excuse. I mean, have you SEEN a Bway show? I have seen several. That, that thing, it is nothing.

    I am not shallow. My favorite thing about my husband is not his jawline or his . . . ahem. It’s his awesome HAIR. Wait, no. That’s not right, but he’ll thank me for saying it. . . (Someday I am going to make a list of why I love my husband, and then I will never write another novel because I won’t be able to stop.)

    I am more proud, unfortunately.

  2. Well, you noticed how Hugh Jackman (pant, pant) was smiling v. broadly whilst standing next to him? He’s all like, “I know what’s coming his way from this stunt,” and I must agree.

    What. a. poor. choice. It must have ruined at least half a day for you, Tart. Thanks for the (much, much) better pic at the end!

    And I’m all for superficiality. Esp on a Friday.

  3. Yes, already we knew you were a tender, sentimental creature, Tart. LOL! Excellent final line & funny, unexpected post all-around.

    And I love the little pug licking the screen. Pugs are so cute with their rod-straight legs & snorts. They crack me up.

    Gretchen – “flavor saver” made me LOL.

  4. Jess, I googled (heh) but could not find the term “bway shower”. What am I missing?

    You are all most welcome to the antidote. 🙂 Glad you found it funny.

    Beki, LOL on the Jackman comment. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there.

    Guys, if you want to meet a dynamo of personality, follow Gretchen’s link in to her blog and prepare. This lady knows everything — and I do mean everything — there is to know about popular culture.

    And yes, pugs for the win! 😉

  5. The puppy dog made me giggle out loud, thank you! As for your Daniel, I think it’s not just the ‘stache. There’s the hair, and the laid back “everybody’s fav. uncle” attitude, too! 😀


  6. HAHAHAHAHAA! I’m sorry, that just had to get out.
    One, love this post! Made me throw myself to the ground laughing before I had the chance to fall off the bed. (And I’d just pulled myself up again when I proceeded to read Beki’s comment. Fell right back down again.)
    Two, you’re absolutely right: what was he thinking?! ‘stache. Oh, please, Daniel, never do that to me again…

  7. . . . Oh. My. GAWD.

    I scarcely recognized him–no I take it back. I DIDN’T recognize him in the photo!!

    I wandered over here because your tweet said Daniel and I was in for some very nice eye candy… until I was permanently blinded.

    No, you are not shallow 😛 We must all weep whenever a hunk of an actor completely dashes our fantasies by removing the sex in their sex appeal.

    Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to go watch Jensen Ackles sing Eye of the Tiger to make myself feel better. 😀 <–superficial moment

      1. –>Shallow Alert Shallow Alert<– 😀 He is a definite eye candy and has a very cute pout (among other things). And you have to go watch the series when you're done with BSG.

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