Ground Rules at the Tartitude

funny-angry-woman from flickr







Do you know this look? The one that mothers everywhere have perfected? The one that says, “You just had to go and ruin it for everyone, didn’t you? You couldn’t resist the boiled raising cupcakes – the ones redolent with cinnamon and cloves and brown sugar icing – you ate them all, and now I have to set up and enforce another damn set of rules in this house.”

Well, in this scenario, folks, I am the mother, the comments section in Mad Skilz Part III is the cupcakes, and the offender, the aptly-named Bane. (Laura Eno, listen up, because you’ve balanced on the razor’s edge a time or two yourself, m’girl.)

In case that’s too oblique for you, there are new guidelines here at the Tartitude. Stay within them, and we’ll be fine. Don’t, and face the wrath*  that is mine.

*Wrath, in this context, is understood to mean the punishment collectively decided upon by Tartitude’s blog readership, which is to be carried out by scantily-clad persons of the opposite gender, or in the case of gay/lesbian/bisexual readers, persons of the sex they have specified.

Rules to Abide by:

1. Thou shalt not upstage the host with thine humor.
2. Thou shalt use thine clairvoyant powers to never, under any circumstances, pre-empt the punch line of a blog post. (Specifically posts which have taken five hours and twenty rewrites to polish, only to be rendered with a few keystrokes as useful as Rush Limbaugh’s funny bone.)

There.  Pretty simple right? Now all that’s left is to determine the sentence. For given the inherently pushy nature of man, it’s only a question of time until another transgressor appears. 

This is where you come in, folks. As this is not a Tartaucracy, I value your input. All I ask, as you cast your vote below, is that you remember the Gentle Reader title with which I often address you, and that I didn’t confer it ironically.

FYI,  that last smiley there involves me singing country and western music to the guilty party. Or rap, if that would prove more cringeworthy.

So what say you all? I bow my head and await your verdict.

(No Banes were harmed in the making of this blog post. Their welfare was overseen by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Amusing People. Also, Bane gave his consent.)


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24 thoughts on “Ground Rules at the Tartitude

  1. Sorry – I don’t like rules and am prone to break them whenever possible – much as you do. I mean, who ever heard of pink, steel-toed boots?

    I vote for #2 as punishment. If you will observe carefully, the shark (that’s you, Hope) never actually catches and consumes the transgressor (that’s me…and Bane…and hopefully a hundred more to torment you with our witty banter).

    Without us, your day would be drab and filled with ‘yes’ people. I’m sure that you wouldn’t want that. Your muse would never forgive you.

  2. Oy, this is a bloodthirsty crew! Consider your response carefully, sunna. Judging by our banter on Twitter, this may be your own fate we are determining.

    Tsk, tsk, kimmi. There’s a cold heart under that well-coiffed exterior! 🙂

  3. Personally, I favor beheadings. Can’t get me enough of that. Wonder if I’ll be chicken-like and be able to yap for a few seconds afterward (probably to critique the quality of the guillotine or axewoman :))

    1. Bane! I was wondering when you were going to weigh in on this. I have to say, though, you don’t seem the least intimidated. What did I do wrong? Was it the disclaimer at the end? The slightly over-the-top picture, O-Monacled-One?

  4. Also, Bane gave his consent — shouldn’t it be:

    Also, Bane gave his consent — which I ripped from his cold dead hands. (well not dead, maybe, b/c then I’d be a ghost, which would be neater than being a talking head, I think, but you know what I mean)…

    You need to instill more terror, Citrus Eyes, because I’m too busy laughing at your wit.

  5. Oh, here’s a goodie, but it too requires a home address. It’s called “Biscuiting”. Biscuiting involves a can of your favorite ready to bake biscuit dough and said offender’s vehicle. Skulking in the night, you pop your can of biscuits open and artfully “decorate” the upstager’s car with them. By the time morning comes, the biscuits have hardened to a cement like state. The only way to get them off is with a hammer and chisel. New paint job will be required.

    Mind you, I only know of Biscuiting in the academic sense. I would never commit such a vile, cruel act of revenge. I’m just putting it out there to warn you about the evils of it. *sniffs* yeah, that’s it… 😉

    xoxo — Hilary

    1. Hilary, you’re my kind of girl. 🙂 Where were you, when I was in college, and in need of a way to get back at my two-timing scum of a boyfriend? (Not that I’m bitter, or anything.)

    2. Hilary, I’m going to send this sweet post of your to your children when they’re old enough so they can see what a renegade their mother was and so they can blackmail themselves out of trouble 🙂

  6. Wow! Did I miss out on the fun?!

    I finally had a chance to catch up with your “Hope’s Mad PR Skilz” triumvirate. Boy, are you one funny chiquita… puts my “simple” blog to shame.

    That was a hilarious series of posts… and I’m completely confused, as I would expect to be. Can’t say I’m surprised that Bane stole your punchline – it was kinda out there to be snagged, and leave it to him to do it!

    I voted for the spanking… never got them as a kid, but I just think the little red butt is hilarious!

    Incidentally, I love the WORD POLICE photo and Popeye quote in the 3rd “Mad PR” post. Tickled beyond belief.

    P.S. These avatars ARE hilarious – mine’s always the little befuddled “yield” sign… seems apt.

    1. Aw, thank you so much, Laura. I was wondering if anyone would catch that guru reference. 🙂 And that tiny bare butt cracks me up every time.

      As for my dystopic world, if I have anything to say on the matter, Part IV should be out for Friday.

  7. Bane & Hope,

    My kids have it soooo easy! They just give me their little devil smiles (trust me, they both have one, even the one year old) and I melt like butter. Sad really…

    For the Tartitude record, I would never Biscuit a vehicle or anything else.
    A) Too lazy to go and get said biscuits.
    B) Too lazy to go to anyone’s house in the middle of the night.
    C) Out-and-out lazy.
    D) If I did spark myself to go out and buy biscuits, I’d probably end up eating them (raw of course) rather than peel myself off the couch…lazy.

    Even prank phone calls requires way too much effort. I’ll just think very, very, very bad thoughts! hahahaha!

    xoxo — Hilary

    1. Personally, I wouldn’t biscuit anything because those cans are filled with trans fats and/or lard. Also, they used refined flour. I have a thing against refined flour.

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