I believed that by coming to this blog with open heart and soul — sharing my family, my pets, my lentil soup recipe — I’d be guaranteed access to suitable interview subjects. Alas, nothing could be farther from the truth.
Accordingly, I have decided to take a cue from literary agents. I will post my requirements in a clear and forthright manner. Applicants should answer the questions by choosing one, truthful answer, then obeying the instructions which follow.
1. Who do you wish to serve as your interviewer:
A. Jan, the über-responsible, boring ex-physician who fears she sports a hint of moustache?
B. The Tart, with her outrageous, witty, insightful, brave and modest persona?
2. What level of emotional vulnerability are you willing to display for Tartitude’s readership?
A. The standard, akin to a employment interview.
B. I’d open a vein for you, but arterial flow? No, that’s too much.
C. Depends — which I’ll need, in view of my emotional incontinence. Slip some Ativan into a vein and let’s go, babeeee!
3. Are there any interview subjects you’d consider off-limits?
A. My family, stint in rehab, sex life.
B. Um…can I ask what you’d consider offens—
C. Nope. I’m good.
4. Any interview subjects you especially want me to cover?
A. That rash in my nether parts would make a good topic.
B. Now that you mention it, I’d be a little weirded-out if—
C. I’ll leave all decisions up to you.
Now take a pencil and grade your answers according to the following criteria: If you selected A for any question, give yourself zero points; a B answer is worth 5 points; C, 20 points.
If you scored 60 points or higher, congratulations! You have qualified for a citrus-infused interview. Proceed to this page and enjoy input your contact information.
If you scored 40-59 points, thank you for your interest! Unfortunately, due to the current high volume of applicants, we are unable to process your request at this time. Please check back in 2018.
If you scored 39 points or less, *derisive laughter*, WTF are you on? Go away and don’t return until you’ve shed some hubris, along with all concept of personal boundaries.