Your Father Is a Hamster and Your Mother Smells of…Chocolate?

So I grossly plagiarized and misquoted to make a  blog title. Big deal. It’s kind of catchy, somewhat true, and relevant to the topic: body and bath baskets.

Have you ever gotten or given one of these? They’re my fall-back gift for those uncooperative, non-reading females who have everything they want, or who I don’t know sufficiently well to be able to give a personalized present. I figure everyone likes to get clean. If not, the receiver can always regift their baskets and I’ll never know the difference. I mean, it’s not like I walk around sniffing people all day.

Well this Christmas I became one of those unhelpful women. P kept asking me what I wanted and I kept saying, “Nothing,” because the truth is, I really lack for naught.  Also, I’m trying to be low maintenance. 😉 (Yeah. Turns out he doesn’t believe that either.)

Christmas morning, what should be under the tree for me but a basket of shower gel, bath bombs, bubble bath crystals and body lotion. All in chocolate mint.

I hate to admit it, but my instinctive  — yet silent — reaction was, “Yuck.”

Not about the mint part. I get the mint. It has many powerful associations with cleanliness for me, such as teeth brushing, dental cleanings, and even a tingly foot lotion I once used after a pedicure.

But chocolate? The idea of deliberately covering myself with a sticky-sounding food-related substance squicked me out.

Still, P had gone to the effort to get me something, which I appreciated. And I’m trying to be more adventurous. I decided to keep an open mind.

I went up on tiptoe to give him a quick kiss. “Thanks.”

He waggled his eyebrows back and gave me a look that spoke of a long-discarded cherry to go with a chocolate bath bomb. “You can show your gratitude later.”

Meanwhile, the kids, who were already looking back and forth between the gift basket and me with doubtful expressions on their faces, overheard. This clinched it for them. That’s how “Gross!” and “Ewwwww!” pretty much became my Christmas morning soundtrack.

Anyway, I did give both the shower gel and body lotion a try, but they’re not for me. I might feel clean, and be clean, but the power of the nose cannot be denied. No matter how hard I scrub, I go to bed feeling like I’ve rolled in Cadbury bars. I just don’t sleep well.

So I guess this brings up a few questions for the Tartitude readership:

1. Why do you suppose manufacturers would believe people would go for this stuff, because I can’t believe I’m the only one who’d rebel at the idea of chocolate lotion? Think of romance books, for instance. The heroine is required to smell of three substances that singularly appeal to the hero. Scents like vanilla, lemon and sunshine. (WTH is it with the nonsensical fragrances, by the way? You people are to smack me if I ever write a heroine who smells of sunshine.)

Despite that, I’m quite certain in all the thousands of romances I’ve read, not once, ever, has the heroine smelled like chocolate. If romance writers don’t think it’s romantic, why would the average person?

2. What do I do with the remaining products? I dislike waste. Unless one of you is located near central Alberta and would like a partially used gift basket, or one of you folks has an inventive idea, I’m stuck with throwing it out.

3. Have you encountered any bath products that make you feel uncomfortable?

4. How the heck was your Christmas?

Mine was peaceful/interesting/expensive and cold. Overall, it was great, thanks.

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19 thoughts on “Your Father Is a Hamster and Your Mother Smells of…Chocolate?

  1. You could grind up some chocolate and add it to the bottles to bring the levels back up. Use your ‘puter to print labels that say things like “Now with REAL chocolate!” and “Specially formulated chocolate exfoliating compound”. …but before you re-gift, consider that P may have been giving himself a gift and the chocolate smell may have been for him. Maybe you could get a life-size chocolate mock-up of yourself and give it to him next Xmas. That would be an awesome gift. I wonder which part he would eat first? “Ewwww” “Gross”

  2. Actually Hope,
    I read somewhere that new research had shown certain scents acted as aphrodisiacs to men. These scents including chocolate, vanilla and orange spice. When I say new, I think this was a few years back.
    Like you, I’ve given and received ‘Bath Baskets.” I LOVE ones in green apple, and only green apple. Last year the troll gave me one in vanilla/spice. It wreaked of perfumy eggnog. My best friend received one in the scent of….Olive. YUCK! Now who the hell invented THAT? Oh and my Christmas was quiet/weird/and free of tacky beaded earrings. Yay!

  3. I don’t like smelling of chocolate either. Though I don’t like smelling of anything strongly, and chocolate is strong by default… you can smell chocolate at 100 paces, it’s that strong.

    Maybe it’s a cunning plan to stop you sneaking up on people?

  4. Laura, I guess…because nothing says “I want you” like smelling of mint Aero bar…?

    Polenth, P’s not that devious. I’m certain he bought it for me with good intentions. I’m just a very frustrating wife. 😉

  5. I think guys think – and I use the term loosely – that we like to eat chocolate so much so wearing it must be better. They don’t get the disconnect.

    That said, doesn’t Philosophy make some pretty yummy smelling products that are all food related. In fact, I think that one of Jenny’s books has a heroine who smells of cinnamon buns and it’s her shampoo. Wasn’t it Faking It?

    Personally, I like a lot of different scents but mostly my ‘go to’ fragrances are citrus or fruits – especially in the winter. Vanilla is to heavy for me. Olive just sounds gross. As for chocolate – I just want the real thing. Right now, though, I’m using sweetpea because I had a coupon:)

    Happy New Year!

  6. “I read somewhere that new research had shown certain scents acted as aphrodisiacs to men. These scents including chocolate”

    So… not sure what message my mum was sending by getting me chocolate scented body-spray for my birthday a couple of months ago.

    Hell, I used it, but it really wasn’t right.

    I’m afraid I’m a serial gift basket buyer. If you won’t tell me what you want then you’re a victim of my limited gifting skills…

  7. Stephanie, Happy New Year to you too!

    BTW, you guys are making me rethink my position. I do like cinnamon and vanilla. Why am I so militant about the chocolate?

    Anton, hahaha. You’ll have to bring your mom up to date on the research before your next birthday. Also, the phrase “serial gift basket buyer” struck me as appropriate; there is a stigma associated with giving gift baskets, as though the giver were doing something immoral.

  8. It’s not the food aspect of chocolate as a bath “flavor” — it’s simply not something you like. I got grapefruit-scented stuff one year and simply hated it. Who knew? Similarly, my husband — trying really hard to be thoughtful and thorough, knew I liked a particular hand-soap & lotion set (lime & rosemary; it’s tart & aromatic), so he got me all the other soap & lotion sets. There is a reason I didn’t buy them for myself, bub: I only like the rosemary & lime combo!

    That’s okay — I’ve decorated the half bath with all four sets — there’s a superfluity of soap & lotion in there, but it’s funny and maybe someone will like the other flavors…

  9. Chocolate as a body scent does not appeal to me. I used to like honeysuckle and sage, but allergies have long since pushed most scented stuff out of my bath.

    Normally I’d suggest giving the unopened leftovers to a homeless shelter…not sure about the chocolate, though.

    This year, I knew exactly what I wanted, and DH came through. I’m now the proud owner of a gleaming black 1983 Princess-style telephone. It look COOL on my desk, and I love its heft.

  10. Magdalen, I love lime and rosemary. I wish the bathroom remedy would work for me, but we seldom have overnight guests.

    MJ, is a Princess-style phone like the one in “Dial M for Murder”? Is it one with push buttons meant to look like a rotary phone? If so, neat! I rescued a phone from our neighbor’s garbage. It looks like this, except it’s the wall-mounted variation: P fixed its innards and it works, although the sounds quality is poor. Very stylish, however.

    Wrt my chocolate products, I’ll be hitting up my sisters for help. I have a hunch they’re less choco-phobic than me.

  11. Hmm. Love chocolate to eat, but never to wear, LOL. But it is the thought that counts, right? You can, however, buy me all the English Lavender Soap you want – it has a lovely, old fashioned smell I love. And, you can stick it in a drawer and use it as a sachet if you don’t want to bathe with it.

    I only occasionally get gift baskets, but if it is something I won’t use, I donate it to the local charity that offers services to homeless women. Soaps and lotions are on their list of most needed items.

  12. Hope, you turd! LOL!

    Those are the ugliest earrings I’ve ever seen! Please don’t show my mother! She’ll buy them for me.

    The troll says that if you want a scent that grabs a man’s attention, bath stuff should be beer scented….His idea. Not mine.

  13. Glinda, I like lavender too. And sandalwood, come to think of it.

    Donna, lol on the beer-scented soap. 🙂

    MJ, oh, I remember those. Fun! And heft is good. 😉

  14. I’m still snorting at the long discarded cherry comment. My daughter is one of those people who loves to wear food — peppermint, cinnamon, vanilla, chocolate, butterscotch, banana, eggnog — if it smells good, she’ll wear it. I think she actually wears it more than she eats it. Her apartment smells like an ice cream parlor, what with all her scented soaps and lotions and yummy candles.

    I like fragrance, but I go for the floral, musky and exotic scents rather than food. My favorite Bath & Body Works scent is Moonlight Path — not sure what essences make up that one. I’m not crazy about lavender, unless it’s real lavender in an herbal pillow. I don’t mind ginger and citrus fragrances, but on the whole I’d rather sniff those scents in candles rather than on my skin.

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