Broad Hints, Zombies, and Mumblemumble

1. It’s February, which means the approach of Valentine’s Day. The Tart likes chocolate (Godiva), gift certificates to Chapters/Indigo (not the A monstrosity, thank you very much), and cowboys.

2. The last item in #1 doesn’t ship very well through Canada Post. They get stuck in the mail slot, and waiting 2-4 weeks for delivery tends to piss them off. I might be going out on a limb here, but I’m quite certain no one likes to receive a pissed off Valentine’s Day cowboy.

3.  You’re going to need my mailing address if you choose to follow through on broad hints #1 or 2.

4. If you’re female and you skimmed over broad hint #3, you’re gonna be sorry. If you’re male and gay and you skimmed over broad hint #3 you’re gonna be sorry. And if you’re male and straight and you sobh#3, you won’t know what we’re snickering about. Will you?

4. My inbox is lonely, MP. My carpal tunnel worsens each hour. *refresh refresh refresh*

5. The hours of 0600-2400 are the most convenient ones for muse visits. I’m tying to be flexible; I’m even willing to start at 0417. But 0316???? Come on, Musie. Fight fair!

6. Should any zombies decide to gain access to me by cleverly impersonating a Valentine’s Day cowboy, a heads up: I will know you in advance by your fetid breath and the foul stench of your putrid, rancid boils.

Also, in a Tart/zombie cage match, I’d last 1 hour and 11 minutes before becoming infected! The curvaceous Oatmeal says so.

7. I honestly don’t know what I did different from other snoopy people interviewers in the Laura Kinsale post, but someone —  who I believe will become famous in her own particular genre — has been generous with her praise. So much so, I pitched her an Ishouldneverhavethoughttoapproachyouinathousandyearsotherwise idea, and she agreed. 🙂 Details to come in about…five months.

8. The second after she said yes, I started worrying I’ve already peaked as an interviewer.* That would be just sad. But I can do eet, right? Right?

9. No matter how you tease and torment me about the identity of the writer in #7, I will not break, even if you slice into one of my favorite citrusy fruits, and squeeze it over a pulpy hangnail. (The kind that almost reaches your knuckle, and which you secretly believe will result in death by exsanguination.)

My policy is to under-commit and over-deliver.

Also, she might regain the power of rational thought.

10. My anxiety, as reflected in hints numbers 1, 2, 3, — ah hell, all of them — can best be assuaged by one simple thing: fill my empty comment box with a broad hint of your own. At the very least, let me know if I’ll have comrades in the human/zombie standoff.

Oh, and please don’t take it personally if I can’t respond for a while. I got hijacked with an idea for a YA novel last night and I’m going on a writing bender.

*Or would that be “piqued”? See broad hint numbers 4 and 5 for clarification. “Peeked” shouldn’t apply either; with the exception of man-candy threads, I’m not guilty of leering. Usually.

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22 thoughts on “Broad Hints, Zombies, and Mumblemumble

  1. Gosh, I don’t even know where to begin – and, according to the curvaceous Oatmeal, I have about 1 hour and 18 minutes before I’m infected by the zombie bite. Heck, who am I kidding? Of course, I’ll start with your mailing address – which, I think I might have to link on to several times today to, ahem, write it down properly. Why is it, again, that I’ve never been invited to your house?

  2. Broad hint #4 can fit through ~my~ mai… okay, okay, I didn’t say that. I didn’t think that.

    I get the bazooka in the standoff, okay? I have an outfit all picked out for it. I have 1 hour and 20 minutes: I bet I can take out at least 70 zombies before I become one.

  3. “The last item in #1 doesn’t ship very well through Canada Post.”

    I know we’ve only been friends a month or so, and I hate to be the one to break this to you, but NOTHING ships well through Canada post. The mounty/horse back system of delivery is dated and takes too long.

    (I love Canada in almost every regard–the post, not so much)

    (I’d last an hour and 19 minutes with a zombie, but suspect I could last most of the night with that post office box you’ve got there)

    “I got hijacked with an idea for a YA novel last night and I’m going on a writing bender.” Excellent! Just in time for Write Your A$$ Off! Have fun with it! (love the teen voice when it hits–nice & sassy!) (the rejectionist says he wants gay werewolves and fairies if you’re open to input)

    Excellent post!

  4. I’ve been napping, and I’ve missed something. What does Oatmeal have to do with zombies? Happy writing, Hope! look forward to seeing your next stuff.:)

  5. Dawn: Why have you never been invited to my house? I’m hesitant to share the reason, because it has to do with something very intimate you said during our first critique meeting. (Your lasso allergy.) Is it very wrong of me to be glad that it’ll be you stepping over my carcass in the next zombie apocalypse?

    Jess, 🙂

    Amy, is a “mai” a euphemism for what I think it is? If so, I’ve duly noted you not thinking about it. I think. And ooh! Do we get to wear leather??

    Hart, you are so gentle in your feedback it’s impossible to take offense, even when you come to my blog post and see fit to correct me in front of absolutely everybody *incoherent sounds* the time I gave you jello and *tissues muffle sobs* Orlando Bloom. So you see, Dawn and Donna have done their work. I can handle criticism.

    Donna, it’s your birthday, you are allowed to nap. You are also allowed to ignore the conveniently-provided hyperlink above on the grounds that you are rattled. I remember what it was like to turn twenty-four. Last year’s birthday really did a number on my brain. (If you click on the green bolded thingy where I reference you to the Oatmeal, it will take you to a fun survey.)

  6. Oh, I eat a big bowl of oatmeal every single morning, so I’m zombie safe, no?

    I’m not really a cowboy type of girl. I more prefer tall, lanky and clean-cut, think Superman, but built more like a basketball player, in a really expensive suit! My husband is 6’3″, so maybe that’s why I like the tall boys!

    Of note: I’d prefer my lanky, well dressed Superman to NOT be a zombie! Oozing stuff and rotting green skin is not really my thing!

    xoxo — Hilary

  7. Stephanie, good to know about the zombie holdout thing for Nationals. I hear there’ll be more debate about e-books and the RITA’s. 😉 Sorry about the snow.

    Hilary, no worries. If your oatmeal isn’t enough to save you, this guy’s up for the job:

  8. It was so long ago when I took the test, I don’t remember how long I’d last. Quite honestly, I think the Great Oatmeal might be off here: I have watched zombie movies for years and read tons of zombie apocolypse novels – surely all that experience should count for something!

    Anyway, what were we talking about? Half-naked chocolate cowboys attacked by zombies in the secret-I’ll-never-tell Canadian Post office (or a mail slot, maybe…)? I’m confused…. I am staying tuned, however. 🙂

  9. “Anyway, what were we talking about? Half-naked chocolate cowboys attacked by zombies in the secret-I’ll-never-tell Canadian Post office (or a mail slot, maybe…)?”

    Yes. And Orlando Bloom, but that’s only because Hart took us off topic. 🙂

    PS: You are right about the Oatmeal. I don’t care what your survey says, I’m getting Amy to wrestle-up a zombie-slayer suit for you too.

  10. I once mailed a box of chocolates to my aunt for her birthday. This might work in February, but in June — not. I happened to go see her a couple months later, and she had saved the box to show me. All the chocolates had melted into a really nasty-looking glop. See, now that’s the difference between me and my aunt. She saved the chocolate glop; I would have tried to salvage the caramel-filled ones.

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