Doddering Tart Asks Your Advice

Senior man using walker, jumping and clicking heels

If you’ve sensed disquiet in my mood of late, that’s because I’ve been occupied with Life-cycle Issues. I’m trying not be consumed by them, but biology keeps showing my nose in a steaming pile of reality. Did you know I:

  • *have a near-grown daughter who starts college next week?
  • *am mother to a young man whose voice cracks, and who decided on his own to become a certified scuba diver this summer. (And did. 🙂 He’s got the paperwork and diving credits to prove it!)
  • *had my first hot flush in Orlando Nationals, and that one brief hormonal sound has swelled into a cacophonous symphony every night? 

I—I—I—I—I— It’s a nasty affliction I’ve heard referred as the chihuahua disease. So that’s it. I’ve decided I’m quitting this pity party and preoccupation with self today. There’s just one wee detail to take care of before I can move on, and that’s to chart my future course for the next several decades. This is where you guys come in. I need feedback. What kind of old lady should I be? 

Here are the choices I’m contemplating:

1. The bitter old crone who raps on the floor with her cane, and who beckons fresh-cheeked youth forward with a crooked, bony digit.

  • Pros: I like the idea of a prop, and I’ve always wanted to feel and act imperious.
  • Cons: I’m not sure I can pull off “bony”. In any context.

2. The classic kind grandmother type — she’ll knit and/or crochet, is prone to using the phrase “dear” and keeps a spare bedroom available for last-minute grandkid-sleepovers.

  • Pros: I have a butt-load of yard to use up.
  • Cons: the bun. I have a full headful of hair, and if I put it up in Classic Grandmother Style, I’ll be in constant pain. This would threaten the purity of the meme, and while that shouldn’t trouble me, it does. Archetypes should be respected.

3. The oversexed granny who shows off her toned legs by wearing shorts and hiking boots, and her wrinkled bosom in a push-up bra and tank tops.

  • Pros: I’ve got the hikers already…
  • Cons: Either I don’t have anything else, or I don’t want to have everything else. (Except the sex, which is non-negotiable regardless of other choices.)

4. The queen — I list this for completions’ sake alone. I could never carry off this role in a million years. I’m thinking of Dames Helen Mirrin or Dame Judy Dench — regal women who embody a sense of empowerment that I greatly admire.

5. This broad. Yup. She seems most promising, aside from the smoking. There’s the fashion incompetence, the practical footwear that comes in canoe size, the pursed lips.

What do you guys think? Which one seems most like me? Which option would you choose for yourself? Since I’m culturally illiterate, are their role models out there who haven’t even occurred to me?


6 thoughts on “Doddering Tart Asks Your Advice

  1. Jan, I’ve been rocking The Broad for years now, even though most people would say it’s too early for me to do it. I think it suits me, although I manage to slip into bitter old crone when necessary. And I definitely think smoking is optional for Broad status. With something in your mouth, you just can’t bark at people as often. Face it–the Broad has the most freedom, and she’s earned it!

  2. Donna, ha. Fortunately the hobbling hasn’t yet begun. But I take your point: remain versatile. 😉

    Kim, good to hear from someone who’s embraced Broadhood and enjoyed it. Do you have a particular outfit you can recommend to me, because I’m trending that way myself?

  3. I refuse to see aging as a bad thing. I turn 42 this year and get the answer to everything. (It’s a Scifi reference for those who don’t follow such things.)
    In fact, I have plans. And these are not in any particular order of importance since that wouldn’t be part of the plan.
    1. Learn to play the bagpipes. I already play flute and saxophone and torture keyboard and electric guitar. Stick me in an old folks home, will they? The ‘pipes should get a few hearing aids going…
    2. Become an aerobics fanatic, sweatin’ to the oldies. Leotards? Spandex? Maybe once the biceps get a bit smaller. Sorry, we’re not talking Popeye, it’s more like Brutus.
    3. Move to a warm climate. Very important. Been freezing up here in Canada all my life. Global warming? Not soon enough.
    4. Become wealthy. Because rich people have more fun and can help others. Luxury is very appealing.
    5. Marry a wealthy man. Get him to teach me how to manage money better.
    6. Travel the modern world with said husband. Make him ridiculously happy.
    7. Continue to write. Learn how to make movies. All that previous stuff needs an outlet.
    Hot flashes? Power surges! Life begins at menopause. Time to make your plans.

  4. I favor the composite approach myself. You forgot the cat lady, thought. Now that I have three cats (thanks to the latest stray), I definitely need a major dose of cat lady in there. No pidgeon lady though.

    I was, however, really impressed with the Broad pictured in your post. Hmm. May have to add the cigar to my composite here….

  5. Phyllis, you sound so well-adjusted. You are absolutely right, and I will bounce back from this. I’m actually more goal-oriented at present than I’ve been for several years, although I can’t see myself taking up the bagpipes, even as a symbol of rebellion. Good for you. And good luck with the wealthy-husband hunt. 😀

    Glinda, oh yes, cat lady! Ahem. We had three until we lost Pepper — who I still miss, by the way, and would have understood about hot flashes because she was like that. 😉 In other words, I like your idea and hope you’re enjoying your new baby.

    How’s this image?

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